January 20, 2017

“I’m writing because I’m a little concerned that we might not see eye to eye on a few things…”

Dear Mr. VP,

Doesn’t that seem like such an informal way to address the second-in-command to the leader of the free world? But I asked Emily Post and she said it’s correct. I hope you’ll appreciate my abbreviation for its efficiency.

Congratulations! Did you ever think you’d be Vice President? I bet you didn’t, especially given the election polling. Well – surprise! You did it! With a little help from your friends at home and…abroad. But we won’t talk about that yet. Nyet.

I’m writing because I’m a little concerned that we might not see eye to eye on a few things. But I’m also going to heed your call for unity of several days ago: “Inaugurations in a very real sense ought to be a time where we as Americans are coming together, coming together as a nation…” you said. So before we talk about all those things we don’t agree on — like, every policy issue you’ve ever had an opinion on, essentially — can we find our common ground?

  1. Irish Catholicism! You were an altar boy, and I was an altar girl, after the Pope decided women wouldn’t defile with our lady-bits. One Easter I got to swing the incense holder and spent the entire Mass praying to Jesus that I wouldn’t burn my leg or develop black lung. Other things we probably have in common based on background: early exposure to open casket wakes, significant guilt surrounding expression of sexuality, and grandmothers with “Irish Blessing” plaques on the wall.
  2. Wikipedia tells me that you worked in college admissions. Me too! High five to crushing the dreams of teenagers.
  3. We both have significant privilege based on the color of our skin. I have a feeling you don’t admit that. Don’t worry, we’ll talk about it more.
  4. Apparently you also like bacon and moose tracks ice cream. Have you ever tried mixing them together? Bacon, PB, and fudge? Yes, please. You should market that idea to Ben and Jerry’s. They could call it “Kick in the Pence” and donate all proceeds to a favorite charity. Planned Parenthood? I hear they’ve been getting a lot of donations in your name lately.

20jan2017Well that’s a good groundwork, don’t you think? That’s a lot in common! And don’t worry, well have plenty of time to discuss all our pesky differences. You’ve got more than 1400 letters from me in your future.

So enjoy today, Mr. VP. Enjoy the speeches, the marching bands, the dancing. Because tomorrow it stops being polite and starts getting real.

– D

p.s. Check the toilet before you use it tonight. I wouldn’t put it past Biden to pull the plastic wrap trick.

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