Someone please find the fountain of youth and tell RBG: February 1, 2017

Dear Mr. VP,

Yesterday on Twitter you called Neil Gorsuch, the Supreme Court nominee, a “mainstream” justice with a similar philosophy to Antonin Scalia.

First, can we be clear on something? The Supreme Court is not a sports team. (Though I think RBG could kick some major ass on the field, I also don’t want her playing organized sports anytime soon because we cannot risk an injury at this moment in time. She better be taking some life-prolonging vitamins and have NO retirement plans.) This was a space VACATED by Antonin Scalia, but it was not a requirement to fill it with someone LIKE him, which seems to be a prevailing narrative right now. It’s not like Tuukka Rask left the Bruins and they immediately needed to find a new goalie, or, to put it in terms you might understand because somehow I doubt you’re a hockey fan, like Andrew Luck left the Colts and they needed to find a new QB. You can’t get a tight end instead, you need a QB. But on the Supreme Court, you can replace a justice with whoever you want (well, pending confirmation) regardless of their judicial philosophy. (P.S. I had to google who the Colts’ QB is — football is not my jam.)

Second, let’s explore Gorsuch’s judicial philosophy. Is he a moderate? This Rolling Stone article does a great job of sussing out the question, but I’ll sum up here since I’m sure you’re pretty pissed at Rolling Stone for breaking the fact that you call your wife “Mother” and you’re probably not purchasing it at your local newsstand.

I’ve broken this down into two lists. Here’s the things I don’t like:

  • Gorsuch is a strict constructionist, meaning he thinks we should interpret the Constitution as it would have been waaaaaay back in 1787, when a bunch of old white men wrote it and slavery was still legal and women couldn’t vote. We shouldn’t treat it as a living document and interpret it in a more modern way now that we’ve made significant social strides and (theoretically) my (ex) husband can’t legally beat me for having a political opinion.
  • He doesn’t think courts should be used to bring about social change, which is code for “I don’t like gay marriage”.
  • Gorsuch sided with the Utah governor when he tried to defund Planned Parenthood, an organization that does HORRIBLE things ALL THE TIME, like giving women free mammograms.
  • He thinks that “religious liberty claims that trump their employees’ statutory right to access preventive health care” i.e. your employer shouldn’t have to cover your birth control because they think you should suck it up and stay celibate as long as you don’t want to have a baby, because a (theoretically, again) celibate old white guy (see: The Pope) told them so.
  • Gorsuch is skeptical of administrative regulations — like the ones that keep our water clean. I hope Erin Brockovich is ready for her next fight(s).

Here’s what I do like:

I’d love to get a look at his briefs.
  • He’s sort of a silver fox. I mean, if I hadn’t long ago decided I would never get with someone who doesn’t respect my bodily autonomy, he might make my hall pass list.

But as someone who likes to drink clean water, would like some clean air to be left for my kid, and also appreciates birth control because No More Kids Ever Thank You, I’m not super psyched about this reliably conservative justice who could be on the court for literally 30-40 years. Literally so long that I won’t even NEED birth control anymore. But I bet you’re thrilled! You must be wetting your pants with excitement at the thought that you might get Roe v. Wade consigned to the ash heap of history.

You know who was a moderate justice? This guy right here.

I wanted you instead, Merrick Garland. Unfortunately the Republican Party is currently run by 4chan trolls.




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