Three Requests: February 13, 2017

Dear Mr. VP,

I’m writing today with three humble requests.

First, could you figure out a way to abolish Valentine’s Day? I’d like you to take this on as an issue. I see that a judge in Islamabad just banned public V-day celebrations, and since you’re also on the theocracy-train, it makes sense to me.

Now, I’m sure you’re like “oh, bitter single divorcee wants to ban Valentine’s Day, how trite.” But let me be clear it has nothing to do with my relationship status, and everything to do with being a mom with too much shit to do. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to celebrate tomorrow with, of course. Last year I actually took the time to make a dozen chocolate dipped bacon roses, for all the good that did. But flowers are flowers and I can buy my own chocolate. The problem is that my kid needs to bring Valentine’s Day cards to school and I don’t have the time to make fancy Pinterest crap. And when I remembered today that tomorrow is the day, I rushed to Target only to find the selection was dismal. Particularly the selection of non-character cards, which are preferred at my kid’s school. Parents, moms in particular, don’t need anything else to feel shitty or guilty about. Please take care of this for me.

Sorry you got the shitty Valentines, kid.

 


Secondly. How much are we paying for Barron Trump to remain in New York? Because he’s a kid and his life shouldn’t be disrupted. Yes, I agree. But if we’re going to talk about disrupted lives, let’s talk about how many moms and dads have been rounded up in ICE raids in the past week. So we’re supposed to care and foot the bill when a rich white boy needs stability, but eff the brown kids?Hypocrisy rules. Take care of that too, please. Remember, the pope agrees with me.

Lastly, I would really like to meet Justin Trudeau. I know plenty about hockey and therefore we will have something to talk about if I can actually manage to form words in his presence. I can also sing most of O Canada.img_0004-1

All of these things are possible, right? You’re almost the leader of the free world!

D

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