Dear Mr. VP,
G and I had a bit of a long drive yesterday. It was nap time, and he was fighting sleep. Then Insane Clown Posse’s Miracles came on. Within thirty seconds he was asleep, and then I spent the next hour listening to the song on repeat. This gave me some time to contemplate the deep lyrical stylings of Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, and I had a revelation. If this VP gig doesn’t work out, you could become a third member of ICP. You already have so much in common.
- Irrational skepticism and disbelief in science: “And I don’t want to talk to a scientist, y’all motherfuckers are lyin’ and gettin’ me pissed,” raps ICP. “I think science is very mixed on the subject of global warming,” you said. Nope. “Despite the hysteria from the political class and the media, smoking doesn’t kill,” you said. Nope. “Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?” Polarity, dudes.
- Get enough of your followers in a room and the FBI might show up: ICP fans (known oh-so-fondly to many as Juggalos) are considered a gang by the FBI. When lots of Trump fans get together, it might be a meeting of a federally identified hate group. Frankly if someone put a gun to my head and made me choose, I’d go to Gathering of the Juggalos before I’d go to CPAC. Better soda choices, anyway.
- Juggalos claim to be oppressed because they are Juggalos. You claim to be oppressed because you’re a Christian and President Johnson said you can’t talk about politics in church without risking your tax-exempt status. I’m not sure any of you really understand what oppression is.
- You all have a deep fondness for clowns. Jay and Shaggy 2 Dope put on clown make-up every day. You chose a clown for a boss.
In preparation for your new career, you needed a Juggalo name. Everything exists on the internet, including a Juggalo name generator, which has christened you Magical Neden. Please sign all future documents as such.