Glacier: May 12, 2017

Dear Mr. VP,

So here’s a brief list of things I thought I could write about today. I like organized lists, so bear with me:

  • James Comey. Again.
    • Could we please get an independent investigation, for the love of God.
    • Relatedly, could you please tell Mitch McConnell I said hello, he probably deserves a letter every day as well, but time is a factor. Tell him I hate his smarmy face.
  • Your attendance at the World Summit in Defense of Persecuted Christians, where you met privately with Putin ally Hilarion Alfeyev, chair of the Russian Orthodox Church’s external relations department.
    • At the summit, Alfeyev criticized the U.S. for upholding ““ideology aimed at supporting sexual minorities and the propaganda of the homosexual life.”
      • i.e. “Don’t persecute me, but I’ll happily persecute you.”
  • We still haven’t chatted about how you smacked a kid in the face and hardly apologized.
  • Marlon Bundo made his first White House appearance. Gosh, that cute bunny has totally made me forget everything else going on in Washington. What do we need an investigation of again?
    • Karen and I have strikingly similar hair.

marlon bundo

What I’ve decided to write about instead is your visit to Montana.

If you were to ask me, “Hey, you. If you could live anywhere in the U.S. and take your family with you, where would you go?” I’d have three answers.

  • New Mexico
  • Rachel, Nevada (Have you seen my file? I got chased away from Area 51 once.)
  • Montana

My first and only visit to Montana came about ten years ago when I drove around the country with my then-girlfriend. When I noted to my dad that we’d be in Idaho and Montana, he seemed worried that I’d get mouthy with someone (this never happens — I am never mouthy) and end up a prisoner on some sort of right-wing compound in the middle of nowhere. I have to tell you I would have greeted this as an opportunity to do significant anthropological research into a subculture I find fascinating, but I heeded my dad’s wishes and didn’t go searching for Ruby Ridge.

Anyway, none of this is the point. The point is, Montana is epically beautiful, and one place in particular stole my heart: Glacier National Park. Not only because my girlfriend saved a lady from drowning in one of the rivers (this is a true story) but also because it’s breathtaking to see real glaciers, right in front of you. It was a nice reminder that the Earth was here before us and will probably be here after us, unless we REALLY eff up.

I wonder if you’ll get to see Glacier while you’re there. Probably not, since you’re busy campaigning for Greg Gianforte, quite a ways away. (It’s easy, living in New England, to forget that some states take an actual long time to drive across. This is compounded by the fact that I grew up in Rhode Island.)

But you should go see them. Now. Why? Because they’re disappearing. Federal scientists, who you’ll probably shut up soon, say all the glaciers will disappear this century. And to quote one of them: “There are variations in the climate but it is humans that have made all those variations warmer,” he said. “The glaciers have been here for 7,000 years and will be gone in decades. This is not part of the natural cycle.”

So long as we have climate-change deniers in office (that’s you!), we won’t do anything to change this. Which is why I’m suggesting you make the detour now. And might I also suggest that to get the full experience, you camp. The bears will love you.


p.s. Glacier’s Alt NPS Twitter Feed


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