Dear Mr. VP,
Ok, I see y’all are going to double down. Trump came out yesterday and defended casually giving classified info to the Russians, and H.R. McMaster had a press conference doing the same. Now there’s a legit memo that says Trump asked Comey to drop the Flynn investigation, and you’ll all keep nodding your heads and deflecting. If you’re going to insist on continuing this ridiculous campaign, I’m going to do the same.
Here’s where I’m doubling down. If you can give information to Russia from an ally (Israel, says the New York Times, perhaps a problem since Russia is allied with Iran, one of Israel’s main threats), then I want all your classified info on Area 51 and Roswell. It’s the best intel! The best! The collective Trump administration will totally win the dick-swinging contest if you release it to me.
And just so you know, this is real desire for information. I own all seasons of The X-Files. I’ve been to Roswell and the International UFO Museum and Research Center. I own a copy of Whitley Strieber’s Communion. I spent much of a summer (while not working a shit job at CVS) lying in a basement and listening to Coast to Coast AM on a scratchy station out of NYC (that’s where I first learned about Bohemian Grove — remind me to ask you about that at some point). I’ve been to Rachel, Nevada twice and the border of Area 51 once. We got followed all the way back down the dirt road to the main highway by security. I ate an alien burger at the Little Al’E’Inn — it was pretty tasty. If I had unlimited funds and time I’d move to Rachel and write a book about the people who visit. I’ve thought about trying to find a grant to do just that, but somehow I doubt it exists.
See? Real devotion. And you can tell it’s really me by the extreme pale white of my legs in every instance, though some of those pictures are six years apart. Given my dedication (that’s a looooooong drive from Vegas to Rachel), I ask of you — give me the intel.
I know, I know. You’re reading this and thinking “THIS IS TOTALLY RIDICULOUS.”
Well, guess what. That’s how I feel each and every time I see you all bobblehead nod and defend the latest stupid (and DANGEROUS) thing our President has done: this is totally ridiculous. So if you want me to stop being absurd, I ask the same of you.
Independent investigation NOW.