V-Day: February 14, 2018

Dear Mr. VP,

Valentine’s Day! I feel  like I should wish you a happy one, even though our relationship is clearly one-sided. You ignore my existence, I pester you every day. It’s sort of like I should start hanging out on incel websites. I’m a Pencel.

It’s okay, you don’t have to love me. I’ll get over it. I know that some of us only have so much love in our hearts, and we can’t hold too much in them at the same time. And when I look at the list of things you love, I think to myself: there could never be room for me.

pence karen

So I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I won’t be getting even a dozen gas station carnations from you. It’s okay. I bought my own Valentine’s Day present for myself. Modern woman.

D

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