Dear Mr. VP,
Valentine’s Day! I feel like I should wish you a happy one, even though our relationship is clearly one-sided. You ignore my existence, I pester you every day. It’s sort of like I should start hanging out on incel websites. I’m a Pencel.
It’s okay, you don’t have to love me. I’ll get over it. I know that some of us only have so much love in our hearts, and we can’t hold too much in them at the same time. And when I look at the list of things you love, I think to myself: there could never be room for me.
- You love lying about Russian collusion.
- You love your boss, dearly.
- You love Marlon Bundo.
- You love denying people access to comprehensive health care.
- You loooooove these “tax cuts.”
- You love throwing vague threats in the direction of nuclear powers.
- And of course, you love Mother.
So I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I won’t be getting even a dozen gas station carnations from you. It’s okay. I bought my own Valentine’s Day present for myself. Modern woman.