August 22, 2018

Dear Mr. VP,

I can’t help but wonder if you’re feeling at all anxious this week. The guy who tagged you as vice president was just found guilty of eight counts of fraud, and your boss’s lawyer pled guilty to eight counts of fraud, and perhaps implicated said boss in the process.

Let’s talk about the signs of anxiety, which I know very intimately. Does your stomach hurt? Are you finding yourself unable to concentrate on one thing for any particular amount of time? Are you unable to sit still? Are you binge eating, or not eating at all? Are you lashing out at the people you love, or alternately shutting them out altogether? (Poor Mother. Poor Marlon Bundo.)

So, it’s important to keep strategies in mind for combatting your anxiety. Personally, I like to dig into giant research projects with no perceived ending. A few months ago, this had me reading book after book about white supremacists and sovereign citizens. In June, I made a giant detailed spreadsheet of all the meals I’d eat in Cleveland while I was there for a weekend. This is also why I know way too much about death cults.

I also really like editing. I would edit almost anything anyone put in front of me. Lucky for me, I have a side hustle (I think that’s what the kids call it) where I get to edit all the things!

I have people who are particularly calming, too. I have an awesome therapist. I like to watch Bevin Brandlandingham videos on the internet before I go to sleep. When I’m home alone, or driving in the car without my kid, I almost always have on Last Podcast on the Left or Abe Lincoln’s Top Hat. For some reason, listening to a bunch of men joke about serial murder and the secret space program is soothing.

I’d suggest you find your own things. Maybe snuggling with Marlon Bundo. Maybe listening to Sean Hannity excuse all your wretched behavior. Maybe a deep research dive into countries without extradition treaties. Whatever makes you feel better.

D

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