Dear Mr. VP,
How is it that we’re at a point where a political columnist feels the need to indicate that the Vice President’s new chief of staff should be a “serious adult”?
That’s the bar in 2018? Just that the VP’s chief of staff be someone serious and over the age of eighteen?
Good grief.
D
Dear Mr. VP,
Tonight, I got the rare chance to wander around a bookstore without a child in tow. It meant I got to actually look at the books, not just fend off requests to purchase a toy.
And I found myself in the young adult section, which I quickly realized is your worst nightmare. I think that basically every other cover was emblazoned with a pentagram, and even if there was no pentagram, it’s likely the book had some sort of strong take-no-shit female character fighting in a post-apocalyptic world, and we know how you feel about that.
I have to think — or at least hope — that if this is the steady reading diet of teenagers, we won’t ever have a Vice President Pence again. If we can get them to vote when they turn eighteen.
D
Dear Mr. VP,
How did I just get around to watching this?
If only I had the ability to read minds. I’d just really like to know.
D
Dear Mr. VP,
Well, darn.
I finally got Andrea Neal’s book out of the library, and then didn’t actually have time to read it today.
Instead, I spent five hours reading last minute college essays.
I think that was likely the less soul-crushing choice, which is sort of saying something.
D
Dear Mr. VP,
The day before Christmas, an eight-year-old Guatemalan boy died at a U.S. detention center.
This is not a hot take, I’m sure. But how are these optics not more problematic for you – a brown refugee boy dying because no one would give him refuge and instead locked him up in a detention center? The night before Christmas? Is your head literally stuck in sand?
D
Dear Mr. VP,
Her name was Jakelin Caal Maquin. She was seven, and she was fleeing an impoverished village in Guatemala. She in Border Patrol custody when she died.
When the head of CBP spoke to Congress last week, he said he didn’t bring it up because he didn’t want to “politicize” her death.
Now, of course, all bets are off and it’s politics everywhere, the general line being “Yeah, tough shit. Don’t bring your kids to this country.”
How very pro life!
D
Dear Mr. VP,
As I read this article, it really struck me that you would be unwilling to have lunch with RBG on your own. I really feel like you could learn a thing or two from her.
D
Dear Mr. VP,
You’re headed to Florida to see SpaceX launch a GPS satellite.
I can’t help but wonder: couldn’t we let someone go who actually believes in science? It seems unfair that you get to see this cool stuff and then go home and keep evolution isn’t real.
D
Dear Mr. VP,
I’m not sure how I just found this video, but here it is. Good Morning America did a feel good video on you visiting Joe Biden for lunch. It’s supposed to be a fluffy feel good political story. Mostly it made me want to vomit.
D
Dear Mr. VP,
Here’s a collection of all the jokes that late night comics made about you post-Pelosi/Schumer meeting. The one where you sat in a chair and didn’t move, as if you’d just dropped a hit of acid and felt rooted to the ground.
D
